Butt Ugly Purses

I've seen some nice purses crocheted before but wow, this one is really so hideous! And whatever is on the front just screams "homemade" too...what are those?

Compliments of Lionbrand free patterns of course! And appropriately named "Fun in the Sun Bag"...why fun in the sun? No idea! Does this look like a beach bag?

At least it doesn't have Fun Fur on it like everything else Lionbrand likes to give you a free pattern for! :|

Peek-a-Boo I See Your Bra Tops

What's with showing your bra in crocheted tops? This one borders on "Hooker Wear" too... but since the bra just peeks out here and there, not quite. Just love how she's dropped her straps off her shoulders so they don't show at her shoulder lines... uh, duh, we can see your bra anyways... why try to hide the straps?? And is that her bra tag peeking out in the back? Oh ya, definitely a classy look!

I can't imagine this being comfortable at all and just exactly what do you pair it with and better yet, where exactly do you wear it? Looks like the model paired it with pink match-my-pink-bra PJ bottoms... perfect! Retails for $155 US.

Hooker Wear

Wow, this is an outfit that is offered as a free pattern if you sign up for membership with a certain crochet site... both the "shell skirt" and the "pineapple top".

Just the right look to show off your bra! Why even wear this top over your bra? It's so close to being sheer that you might as well not even bother putting it on! And to complete the ensemble, may as well put on a skirt that makes you look mostly naked too! Oh ya, hooker crochet! All she needs is the high heels and off to stand on the corner she goes.

Not your Grandma's crochet that's for sure but if you want to look like a hooker, hey, what a great reason to become a member of this website!

Hairy Tops

Crochet tops to love?

Ya, sure! Any girl truly loves to make her arms look like they have furry hair growing off them by choosing just the right shirt that's for sure... and to boot, she could make it herself!

What's with the pose? Why is she holding her neck like she's in pain? Ah, maybe the shirt is trying to eat her...after all it does look like fur and could easily be an animal.

Androgynous Nude Figurines

Okay, I know this figurine thing is supposed be "art" but holy crap!

The artist has created a wee bit of controversy with her figurines...gosh, wonder why? Not sure what her message is but seems she has one...and it needs to be expressed through a crocheted penis and breasts and a weird pointy hat.

What a nice excuse to make it okay to crochet genitalia.

Designed by Ming-Yi Sung.

Scarf with Pockets

I was drawn to this picture when I first saw it for a few reasons...

• firstly, the colours in the scarf are pretty


• secondly, the model is pretty


• thirdly, the model's smile is nice and,


• fourthly, the sweater colour is great.

What more could you ask for?

Then I looked at it again...why would she have her hands in her scarf? Are those pockets??!! Yup...pockets! Then my brain said "on a scarf??". Wait, there's something wrong with this picture...how exactly do pockets work on scarves? One fling of this scarf over your shoulder and anything in your "pocket" is flying out of it and into the eye of the closest person behind you.

I won't even touch on the fun fur around her hat brim and the scarf pockets as there's no need to really...it's just another example of how bad fun fur can be.

Thanks to Barbara for the submission... when I first saw the scarf and hat set, I thought it was pretty cute but Barbara's email asked me to look closer...you can visit her at her blog if you like. Click here.

"Loop de Loop" Hats

You know, in some ways, this hat really isn't so bad but then you look closer and it conjures up images of a clown and I'm not quite sure that's a good look to achieve unless of course you're trying to achieve it ;)!

Cost of this hat is $140 US.

So what do you think? Not bad or pretty atrocious?

Pineapple Bathrooms

Seriously, fess up... how many of you have seen crochet in a bathroom? And for those not familiar with crochet, "pineapple" is actually a type of stitch in crochet. Why someone would want to decorate their bathroom with crochet is beyond me.... and the colour is awful too! Just so gaudy!! Ugh!

And nothing is off limits... from the crochet covering the toilet paper roll to a seat cover (yikes!) to a cover for your waste basket.

If you can't see the inscription on this pattern leaflet, here it is:

Add the timeless elegance of pineapples to enhance your bathroom decor!

Yes, with the exclamation point too... in case you don't believe that crochet enhances your timeless elegance in your bathroom....LOL

Crochet & Buttons Jewelry

No idea what to do with crochet anymore? Then add some buttons!! And not just a few... lots and lots of them so they dangle off your crochet and make what you could call a necklace! Beautiful idea... I'll get right on that!

I bet the cost of the buttons makes this a pretty expensive necklace actually... just how many buttons is that? About 100 or so??!! :|

Wow, what a great example of being at a loss for what to crochet... this one really is pushing it when it comes to creativity... how hard is it to hang buttons off a string?

Frosting Halter

Wait for it... the animation of this frosted beauty takes a moment... it's worth it to see all the different ways you can wear this! To quote the site it's selling on:

Halter made out of super soft and warm frost yarn. Can be worn as a shawl or sarong as well. Fabulous design for the chilly weather. Absolutely gorgeous! Made of: frosting furry like yarn.

Just what the h*ll is frosty furry like yarn? You certainly can't find that on the market! It retails for $45 US but please allow the designer 5-7 days to crochet this beauty because it takes awhile to get frosting on your halter!

And oh yes, it'll definitely be warm because halters were really meant for the cool weather weren't they? And not to mention the one view of her chest completely exposed...at least put a top on that mannequin before you go ahead and flash her chest!

Poodle Hair Hats

How many of you think wearing poodle hair on your head is cool and hip? Here's a great example of what you can do with poodle hair if you spin it up yourself! Lovely isn't it?

The hat is called "french organic earth faerie". Have you noticed how people throw in French to describe anything weird to pass it off as stylish? Last time I checked, French people were pretty stylish and that certainly didn't mean wearing poodle hair on their heads.

In case you really want to know what's in the hat content, here it is:

handspun poodle (yes, a dog!) [notice the emphasis here...even the maker is shocked it's actually dog hair], cotton, flax, wool, alpaca, silk noil, ramie, camel [more animal content...yaaa!], copper wire, silver string

Can you imagine the stink if this hat ever got wet?  Oh ya, wet poodle and wet camel is very enticing that's for sure.

For a mere $99 US this hat is a steal for anyone who wants to buy it!

Capes

Well, unless of course you're a super hero of some type and need one to put over your spandex super suit... And to accessorize the cape, it's always a great idea to put on a holey hat with a big honkin' flower on the side of it that looks like it's eating your face.

When was the last time you saw a cape and jeans together? Unless you're wearing a onesy spandex suit underneath it, pretty much nothing else goes with a cape...that's just reality folks!

Regal Red & Purple

Since when does red and purple rule?  Can you believe this pattern leaflet?  And you can make 9 absolutely regal designs too...oh ya, for sure...because red and purple are the BEST colours to put together...NOT! 

Here's the description for the pattern leaflet:

Indulge in a little red and purple yarn, the brighter the better, and create absolutely regal crochet designs for yourself and your wanna-have-fun friends! Start with a wardrobe of red hats -- we've included three charming styles. One even has a matching tote bag. Fling one of the three fun and easy scarves around your neck and you'll be fabulous! And if you really want to feel like you reign over the world, make a Royal Scepter and be in command at all your royal gatherings. Proudly wear your red and purple splendor -- you deserve it!

Bright red and purple to make you regal and to feel like you're reigning over the world?  Okay, puke...and then make yourself a sceptor and proudly wear your red and purple splendor?  Oh my!  And if that's the sceptor she's holding in the picture, she better be careful...looks a tad like a witch in a red & purple hat!  And that is definitely regal!

Creepy Clown Toys

The pattern for this creepy little guy reads as follows:

"This classic toy has enchanted generations of babies!"

I don't think the essence of this toy was captured in that sentence so I'd like to re-write it to the following:

"This classic creepy toy has enchanted scared the crap out of generations of babies!"

I only have one warning if you give this as a gift to a new Mom: cover your ears and take cover...I'm sure she's going to shriek and throw it across the room!

Eeks! Go Buy It!

After using Google's pretty cool translation tool from Portugese to English, I was able to at least understand you can buy the monstrosities from the blog link I just gave you yesterday. I know it's mostly knitting but what the h*ll?! Like any good blog writer, I must give you the best information! ;)

Go ahead and click here.

If you need help converting from Euros to any other currency, click here to find out just how much these things are going for. 

A Link...Follow At Your Own Discretion

I know I wasn't going to touch on personal blogs or websites but I just can't stand it anymore... follow at your own discretion. Granted, it's probably knitting but there's got to be some crochet in there somewhere so go take a look anyways. I don't understand the language but thankfully, the pictures speak for themselves... ;)

Click here if you dare.

Fuzz Ball Ponchos

What are those fuzzy things in all those gaudy colours?? I don't even know what those puffs are??!? Fuzz balls? There are some pretty hideous ponchos out there but this one really is an abomination... why would you put puffs on your poncho? Not to mention that the yarn looks really cheap too... It looks like a thread yarn of some type that should only be used for doilies. This is an actual pattern booklet too... love the title "Poncho Pizazz"... ya, ponchos with extra-large fuzz balls on them really are quite pizazzy.

Furry Dog Jackets

Yikes! I thought the Doggy Martha Ponchos were bad but these ones... hmmmmm... sheesh! Why would you want to put a furry jacket on your dog? That one is beyond my comprehension!!! Just because you can, doesn't mean you should! I feel a little bad for these guys...they are not looking so happy wearing these jackets! And the one with the hood...ya, it's a great idea to cover up your dog's ears... after all, I'm sure they prefer muffled sounds!! I bet when the shoot was over they were pawing at these jackets trying to get them off!!

Matching Ugly Hats

Why would you want to do this? Inflict such horror on your son? If that's her son that is...but the assumption is there that's for sure! The hats are so bad and then to act like you're all in love because you have "matching" hats??!! Oh dear! What exactly IS hanging off the back of her hat anyways??

I have no problem with making matching hats because it's your son and you love him, but come on, make him something at least slightly masculine and make something for yourself that matches nicely without strands of yarn hanging off the back like you forgot to sew in your ends!!

If the title is right that it's hats for charity, oh my, come on again...give people something nice if you're going to give it to them as a gift. Yikes...what do they think? Just because it's a charity hat, people will want to wear hideous monstrosities and be all happy about it??

Necklaces

Why would anyone want to crochet themselves their own necklace and call it jewellery when you have such gorgeous materials out there like gold and silver to wear??? Seriously, why? This does not look nice or pretty nor does it compliment her outfit. Why I ask?? Why??? I don't have much more to say about this as I think the picture says it all. Ugh!

And using yarn that is "gold" coloured won't make it any better either...just look at the close-up if you're unsure.

Green Monster Dress

All I can say about this thing is "ewwww, gross". The ad reads in such a way that it surely will entice any woman:

Hips stretch 32" to 40"

I don't know about you but I seriously love any clothing article that stretches a good 8 inches around my hips. The bust, however, is 32" without any stretch so hey, no room for growth there but no problem, my hips tend to grow without my chest growing anyways...makes total sense...NOT!

I am not even going to "go there" on the model's stance for this dress...it's bordering on crude and is she standing that way to make sure it doesn't slip off? I mean, really, it has so much "give" in the hips, how does it stay on?

You like it? Great, go buy it for $160 US - metallic purple fringe sure is a girl's best friend!

Snake/Worm Hat

Anyone want to look like Medusa? Go ahead then, get this hat! It only retails for $77 US and for such a small amount of money, seriously, who wouldn't want to? Can't remember who Medusa is? Go ahead and click here! I think I've turned to stone already!

But then again, what am I saying?? Maybe you want to wear the latest "worm" chic on your head and this hat will do just fine to achieve that look too!

Such versatility to this hat - snakes or worms on your head - how can you pass it up?? Enjoy everyone - the beads really top it off with such pizzazz too! (insert sarcastic tone here)

Doggy Martha Ponchos

Oh my! Someone please call PETA! This has to qualify as unethical treatment of an animal!

If I was walking down the street and saw someone with a dog with a Martha poncho on them, I'd seriously have to think about shooting the owner...why, why, why would you submit your animal to such distress?

I won't even touch on the hideous colours chosen for these dogs or the red bow but when you first look at the picture, you really have to wonder just what the h*ll you are looking at! Do you think these dogs could walk while wearing these? I can see the dog's paws catching in the poncho so easily and then we'd have doggy pile-up! That would have to qualify as cruel for sure!

The proliferation of the Martha poncho is incessant...how can you put it on a dog? What's next? A gerbil? A hamster? A cow? A horse? Come on!! This one really takes the cake!

Headbands

First question for this would be why and what to say about these? The pictures pretty much sum up the hideousness level of these creations. Not even on a toddler does it look better! May as well time travel back to the 80s for this look...and even then, it wasn't that easy to pull off...what would you wear with this? Your crocheted leg warmers? Even worse, the pattern suggests you fluff the fun fur out of the seam once you've sewn in the ends too...ya, great...let's fluff up the fur because it's not quite furry enough! :|

Both models seem to have that shocked look in their eyes too...I'm sure the baby is thinking, Mommy, why?? whyyyyyyyyy???

Barefoot Sandals

Not too sure what to say about these except that sandals usually have a sole to them and what possible function do these serve?

They have a certain cuteness factor to them but still, what's the point? To make your feet look sexy and to turn on your significant other?!

The pattern says that gauge isn't important either...wonder why??!! LOL

Earrings

I must say, this need to use Fun Fur for EVERYTHING is getting ridiculous! Here's the pattern if you so desire to make these lovely earrings yourself:

EARRING - make 2 (no sh*t Sherlock on the 2)

Attach yarn around earring hoop, chain 1, single crochet closely and evenly around ring (22 single crochets for 1 1/4" [3 cm] hoop), slip stitch in first single crochet to join. Fasten off. Weave in ends.

All you crocheters out there, since when does 22 single crochets make a pattern? Just how inept do you have to be to finish this pattern and call it a crochet creation? Not to mention just how hideous they are. I swear Fun Fur will do ANYTHING to get their yarn out there and to think you would have to buy at least one ball of Fun Fur to make these earrings too...for 22 single crochets on each ear and that's a grand total of 44 single crochets for a pattern! I wonder just how stupid the Fun Fur establishment thinks crocheters are?

This is embarassing to the whole craft!

Cow Patty, I Mean, Cocktail Hat

Seriously, someone had the audacity to call this thing a "cocktail" hat to dress up any party outfit! I can't help but think cow patty on her head...I mean seriously, if it were brown, wouldn't it conjure up that image a lot more easily? And the furry halo around it doesn't help either...classy cocktail hat? Not!! Can you imagine showing up at a really classy party wearing this and everyone looking strangely at you? I can't quite read her expression either but it sure looks like slight disgust mixed with...

Someone please get this off my head! I know I have to pose for the photo and I'm a model and all, but seriously, I'm about to freak out...get it off my head!

Caterpillar Scarf

Another really good example of how not to use fun fur...complete with an example of how not to fringe a scarf...what are those anyways? Confetti on string?

I can't help but think a caterpillar is trying to engulf her neck!

What a totally hideous way to compliment what looks like what could make a pretty nice casual look otherwise.

Masks

BOO!!

Just in time for Halloween! This is scary on so many levels but since it's Halloween, I guess it's appropriate. Otherwise, well, YIKES...you get the picture...what would possess you to make this?? LOL

This is our first submission by a reader...keep them coming...we need all the help we can get!

Link Submitted by: Leisel of Knot Again - many thanks!

Octopus Hat

I thought I would delve a little into what's called Freeform Crochet...which is basically just crocheting whatever the h*ll you want without a pattern and calling it art. Okay, I understand some of you may think this is indeed artistic but how can such a thing be functional and who the h*ll would wear it? On the runways maybe? Anywhere else? I doubt it! And if you don't get what I'm saying, I've included a front, back and side view of this monstrosity...do you get it now? Good! Please...octopi don't belong on our heads!! You're even doing a disservice to the octopus...how embarassing for them to be confused for a hat!! How does anyone even confuse that idea? Oh, I know...

Octopus...hmmmm, ya, let's put it on my head...now how do I achieve that? Oh, I know, I'll call it freeform crochet so people think it's art...because you know, if I call it art, heck, they'll never be the wiser!!

Can you believe this thing sells for $599 US???

 

Afghan Stitch Blazers

I know some of you may disagree but why do afghan stitches have to appear on clothing?? I look at this picture and think, cool, she's slung an afghan around her shoulders...oh oops, no, I'm wrong...it's actually a blazer! And let's not even mention the colours...ugh! With so many different stitches out there and coloured yarns, why make your blazer look like an afghan?

An afghan is an afghan and a blazer is a blazer...please don't mix them up...no matter what age you are, this is a universally applied principle!

Anything Fun Fur

Especially a poncho!! Fun fur has been recalled already...it's a fire hazard...why would you want to wear it on your body?? Making it many different bright and gaudy colours doesn't help matters either...it still isn't fashion! Check out the model too...can you hear what she's saying? How about:

I am going to work this poncho with all I got...just look at my strut...can't you tell I loveeeeeeeeee this fun fur poncho? No? Okay, how about my big toothy grin? Now do you see how wonderful this fun fur is?? I mean, like, it's in so many different colours too...can't you just love my multi-coloured gaudy poncho? No?? Okay, I give up...I'm going to walk right off the set now and don't anyone follow me...I'm humiliated enough!

Seriously people, fun fur was banned...GET THE HINT!!!

The Mancho - Revisited

Avert your eyes everyone!

The mancho seems to be out there far and wide! This model's strategy seems to be to smile BIG and WIDE and put his hand on his hip to try to distract us from the fact that he's wearing a carpet...and make us believe he's hot and sexy...

Nice try anyways...no matter how cute you are, we can still see what you're wearing!

Granny Square Vests

Do I have to say it?? Granny squares belong on afghans...not on clothing...not even vests!! Seriously though, please keep granny squares on items used to fling over the couch or on the end of a bed...please don't put them on your body! Look at the model...I can just hear what she's thinking...

How do I make this look cute...oh, I know, if I tilt my head a little to the side and smile, nobody, I mean hardly anyone, oh sh*t, everyone will notice the awful vest I'm trying to show...

 

The Mancho

Anything even remotely resembling a blanket worn by a man as a "fashion" has to be banned...just what exactly is a mancho anyways?  A derivative of the poncho?  Okay, please people, this is not a good style for any man...do you want your man to feel even less masculine?  Cool, I know I do...so great, let's make him a mancho!  And matching manchos/ponchos, whatever, please, don't even get me started..and the fact that his is "green" and her's is "purple"...does that make it manlier?  I'll let you decide.  The fact that he's hiding behind the woman should give you an indication of its appeal...poor guy...hope they paid him well to model this!

Welcome!

In an attempt to capture some of those truly hideous crochet creations out there, this blog was created in response to some of the other blogs out there poking fun at other topics such as knitting and celebrities.  Why not crochet too?  There are a lot of designs out there that are really just truly hideous and you have to ask yourself...just what were these designers thinking????