Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanks Giving 2009

Thanksgiving (at this time of year) is an American holiday, but the concept of coming home for a time, observed by all members of a country regardless of race, colour, creed or football code is a great one.  Giving thanks for you have, have had, and the opportunities you hope to have yet to come home - should be cherished.

And I understand that no holiday can be celebrated with decorating the entire house... 
There fore there are patterns for Crochet Turkey Afghans, Crocheted Turkey TP covers, Crocheted Turkey door hangers and Crocheted Turkey Turkeys.  What caught my eye was the range of interpretation of what a Turkey actually looks like and obviously what yarn was available at hookin' time.

But for sheer  - Are you sure?-ness regarding the identity (genus, species, chordae) of the creature you are trying to render in DCs and acrylic - I give you :


Because nothing about this screams Turkey.


Noooooo - it looks more like:



Turkey ?







Happy Thanksgiving to you,

Be thankful for every thing you have, and everything you can do for someone else.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

At least it's not in Granny Squares.. (and vote pls!)

Personally, I think it's a conspiracy.

First of all - have to remind you that whilst the Northern hemisphere is rejoicing in Summer, those of us on the Flip side of the Planet are feeling the chills.

Heralded (or maybe I should say Telegraphed) this morning was the Snuggie, or the Slanket, or the Blankoat.

Sales does be through the roof of the blanket with sleeves.

What is making this news cringeworthy is these are items that are designed for on-couch or at most in-house use, like our old comfy friend, the Ugg boot. brittney

And the Ugg boot, as we all know, has a painful tendency to make appearances elsewhere.


Ok - the Absolutely Unbreakable Rule is

they should not be worn PAST your MAILBOX. 


And fricking never with a gap between the closest garment's hem and the top of the boot.

Unless it's a negative gap - otherwise known as



The modern day Snuggie, for those people cannot master advanced technology such as a Blanket - I mean seriously, is it *that* hard to maintain control of a piece of cloth while reaching for the remote???

And besides - we've been here before : Couch Dresses!


lionbrand of course

To make matters worse....   we have not one, but two Yarnporiums who have produced patterns (and one has been around for awhile - has anyone bothered to make one?) for Wrapghans.


These are patterns that are designed purely to drive up the Global demand for Yarn - because you'll need enough sheep to send someone to Dreamyland to make it!



What not to crochet - something that pins you to the couch out of the sheer weight of the yarn that the Manufacturer is trying to flog.






Oh and BTW :

2009 BlogLuxe Awards


Sunday, June 28, 2009

Vote or I'll set the Sheep on you!!


(Hey - you guys said to remind you :) )

And doesn't he just look poised to fall on your noggin?

But the reason why I've chosen him to threaten you with is:

If I didn't tell you he was a sheep... would you pick him AS a sheep

or as an Apocalyptic Poodle?


Blogluxe Awards.

2009 BlogLuxe Awards

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

An unashamed Plea for your Vote...

My fellow Coffee-Over-TheScreen Snorterers, I would like to take this opportunity to firstly thank whoever it was who nominated us for the   Blogluxe Awards.

2009 BlogLuxe Awards

That is a Great, Great thing that you have done.

May you always be able to find your 4mm crochet hooks!

Now... I call upon you all, Crocheters, Sniggerers, and those who come upon this blog in the search of Nipples,   Please - go vote for WNTC!! 

Yes,  We CAN make a difference!!      Yes, We CAN be the change we wish to see in the world! Yes, We CAN win The Funniest Blog Award!

What Not To Crochet has been around since 2006 - We are one of the Original Snark blogs.  Let Us stand up and proudly denounce the Use of Fun Fur and the Eye-Searing Granny Square to the World!

And you know what's seriously great about this ballot??       you don't get to vote once, and hope that everyone else sees the blinding obvious truth :  That the world needs strong leadership, whether in Pursuing World Peace, combatting the GFC  or gaily distributing "stimulus cheques", YOU CAN GO BACK AND VOTE EVERY DAY!

So Vote for WNTC today! and Tomorrow! and Every Day !!

the bear


Vote, otherwise the Bear gets it!  - and then scroll through - they randomise the positions...

Please.. seriously folks... vote :)

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Ok - Crochet it... If you can!

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale... a tale of a fateful trip...

 That started from a frosty farm and went significantly WRONG when I misread the itinerary that my EA printed out for me, and  I’m now marooned in our national airline’s Business lounge, soaking up a VLLB* and the Flying Marsupial’s free internet.

Noting that the flow on effect of my *ahem* misreading is ... get this: 5 hours.

 (And it gets noticeably worse)

My two yarn-based Travelling Projects? ...........................................................  are in Checked Baggage**.


I'm bored out of my skull at the 2 hour mark.

So I'm industriously warping the minds of my fellow Club squatters going through my collection of photos of items that defile the sacred name of  Crochet, making muttering noises to myself:   No, no, HAHAH - no, can't use that, just done a Bikini, no, no, used already,  no, <WARNING!! OUT OF VLLB ERROR> no, no, no - Ooooh.

And then I found the topic for today.

Russian Crochet. (If you're a Lolcat fan - there's a whole "In Soviet Russia" line to go down. See you when you get back)


Now - first of all - there is a LOT about the array 0f Russian Crochet magazines to adore.il_430xN_56019671

Ok... yes, they're in Russian and no, I don't know why she's standing like that...



Yes, the majority of it is  in Thread.



Which, for some people, is like admitting that you commit specific acts with chickens.

However  dot dot dot






Some of the creations are just divine and the biggest safety tip is not to allow your mother to see them lest she get ideas for a nifty throwover.




On the other hand....

When you look a bit closer... or you swap a plate of home made meringues for a translation of said Russian text by a Ukrainian workmate's Grandmother....

You'll notice that unlined Irish lace tops are, whilst delicate and gorgeous, veritable gateways for nipples to poke russian top

(you will see if you click on the link... for the sake of  Innocents everywhere, I've made it a thumbnail - you can click at your own risk of having to explain to whomever)





Edited to add: for some reason the thumbnail thing didn't work. i'm SORRY! Okay!!!

And my god - a lot of you tried clicking it....










* Vodka, Lemon, Lime and Bitters.

** Dont start about Airline regs please. In the Sunburnt country, land of Sweeping plains - we are not allowed to travel with pointy things in  carry-on. I have travelled with guns, have travelled with diplomatic pouches, and am NOT allowed to travel with anything so benign as a 4mm Bamboo hook in my backpack. Go figure.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Long Live the Granny Square!!

For all that we rant about the Granny Square, and cringe at the thought of the crocheted or knitted monstrosity that a well-meaning relative may bestow,

Today, we should celebrate Maria d'Antuono's survival of the Italian Earthquakes. This 98 year old lady spent 30 hours buried beneath rubble.

And what did she do to pass the time?


No - not that piece.. but yes, she crocheted. She didn't KNIT. She crocheted.

Take that! you wielders of pointy sticks!!!!



Join us tomorrow when we look at things you can crochet with recycled Monsters, Inc parts.  Obviously they had to make room for the latest Movie plushies somehow.