It just isn't Thanksgiving...

...unless there is a crochet turkey involved!  Gobble gobble!

-click image to see larger version-

High Fashion? You decide!

Did Marc Jacobs get it right with this crochet design? Does putting it on an actress from Gossip Girl make it high fashion? You decide!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[polldaddy poll=4147041]

Do you remember the words to "Little Bunny Foo Foo?"

 

I have mixed emotions about today's item for consideration.

I am over-run with bunnies, so the fur aspect is not a sticking point

I don't hate the thread work but the idea of the cream fur and the cream edging

makes me want to throw paint on it just to brighten it up.

So - chantilly cream, Would you wear it and how would you spice it up?

A Question of Copyright

Use of pictures in a snark blog is a tricky thing.   Finding pictures of ugly, loathsome and downright horrible crocheted articles is easy, finding those that are not protected in the Sanctuary of Craft- Etsy requires careful, methodical, prowling.

Once the in-season, correct size, non-pregnant Fug  is bagged, Fair Use and Comment - that taking/utilising a picture in order to make remarks, wax lyrical and/or snark without claiming, purporting or representing it as "mine own" - is according to the laws of several countries (at least) allowable.

Whilst trawling for fug (Here Fuggie, Fuggie, Fuggie... Eat the nice merino.... Goooood Fuggie..... Gotcha ya little Bastard!) I have preferred and legal hunting spots.  But it also means I have seen much in the way of crocheted articles, Fug or otherwise.   I also, courtesy of some OCD-ish streak honed by years in jobs where remembering minutae is rewarded, have a good, acknowleged as some as 'phenomenal',  memory.

Thus, while lurking in the long grass of one manufacturing marketplace, I noted a merchant, touting his ability to mass produce wares, specifically crocheted, specifically... this.



Not a brilliant picture, I'll admit.

A relatively inoffensive yellowy Baby Afghan.

Which I instantly recognised because a) I'm a pattern hoarder and b) I've made this pattern three times myself.

It is, for those of you who don't recognise it,

one of Terry Kimbrough's designs.

This one, shown in pink.

Which makes me curious.

Most of us who write patterns (for free usage on our blogs, Crochet Pattern Central or Ravelry) put a caveat regarding what use items made from our patterns may be put to.

And commercial quantities is usually cited as a no-no.

Which leaves me wondering whether this is actually a licensed and legitimate use of a pattern, or if a Shonk has crept into our field of view?

            

 

 

Yes, I *know* we're What Not To Crochet

and not What Not To Knit...

But I have to ask..

Just what the FUCK is this??

For those who were wondering - What Etsy is for

This is one time I am going to bounce on Etsy.  But it's in a good cause - so please.. big girls' panties time if you don't like it.

It has come to my attention that Mr Brian Leahy, author of  (hang on, let me go and check) "The Groom Says" has tapped a blog post on Aisle Dash, explaining "Why Men Don't Get Etsy".

First of all, Brian, men don't get a lot of things - such as why remembering birthdays are important but you have failed to understand two certain principles that etsy lives and (well.. let's hope not) dies by:

a) Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and

b) one person's trash may be another's treasure.

Yes, etsy may seem to be the hippie younger sister of eBay and tell me you havent considered going there for a hit - just when you felt you had to get away from the polished bright older sister, and indulge in something a little less organised, the one without the filofax and the Prada handbag.  However, Etsy is there because sometimes you make something so wonderful, you need to tell more people about it than just the cat.

Etsy exists as The Worlds Largest Crafty Trash & Treasure Sale, a ginormous hall full of trestle tables with wares oh so artfully displayed.  But there is a sense of communion (not the grape/wine/bread/flesh thing) but people creating displaying and yes, in a rather understated way, because no one likes to imply that they do it for the money as we're not those kind of hookers.

Are there items on etsy that I just dont understand? 

Yes, and I take comfort in the fact that I'm not the only one who is bemused by a pile of crocheted elephants that appear to be fornicating.

That's one scene from Dumbo they didnt show you...

But etsy is the place that you can set your own terms for your work -



whether you should be surprised that your $500 Amigurumi Crochet Rabbit keyring doesnt sell

is another question.

But etsy is there so the makers can say that "hey I did THIS" - unlike the drill  or chainsaw spruiked at Homecentre, anonymous and only gains a personality or purpose if it's lucky and gets taken home.

Etsy doesnt expect everyone to understand her, she's grateful for the attention, but would really prefer the attention of someone who does call her back in the morning.

Quality has to count for something or "You're only as good as your last DC"

I come before you today, in this forum of What Not To Crochet, to humbly bring to your combined notice, an Item which leaves me concerned for the state of Crochet and the patterns that are being sold to the public.

The intention is not to denigrate this pattern's representative item for its colour, which is admittedly that least favourite: the indescribable Putrid Pea Soup of a Misbegotten Grinchy Green, the very thought of which makes me, an average crocheter, feel nauseated to the point where only the memory of the 11 x 200gm skeins of pure natural coloured wool I scored for a whopping $1 a skein at a thrift store today can numb the discomfort  but instead to highlight the flawed construction of an item which, to purchase the pattern, will cost you $US 2.99 ( $Aus 3.23, £1.85, €2.06, ¥273, $SGD 4.65, Rph 463) alone.  

Yes, Ladies, Gentlemen, Crocheters of all ages and mental effectiveness, even th0ugh this item is listed in it's vendor's "Quick and Easy" section, I ask you all to pause and consider this "slipper" pattern:

 GODDAMN, THAT'S AN AWFUL COLOUR

Even if a pattern is a) quick, b) easy and/or c) all of the above, should the resulting item not also involve some level of Quality ?

If you travel further down the tunnel of wrist pain that every FPDC carpals you towards,  should not the Finished Product refrain from allowing the wearer's big toe prolapsing?

If you hook it, whether afghan, amigurumi or applique-intended flower, does it not then exist as a Crocheted item, bearing witness to and representing Crochet-kind throughout the Intarwebs and beyond?   Does the Item not then deserve, in Crochet's larval form: pattern and skein to be rendered with some element of mechanical/artisan skill?

Consider the flaws above - gaping stitches being probably the most obvious of sins, is this then, a pattern you would actively buy?

 

 

 

Welcome to 2010!

Now we've beaten 2009 and the rest of those effin' horrible Noughties into submission, dipped them in peanut butter and fed them to a Poodle, 2010 is The time to party and to make the changes we want to see in the world.

Apparently, however 2010's new and fresh opportunities doesn't mean I'm allowed to wrestle the yarn away from an elderly lady in the Craft SuperStore, when she's gathered together Turquoise, Mustard, Emerald, Teal and Fuschia acrylics with the texture of baling twine on the pretext of making an blanky for her granddaughter.

 Yeah - Even when I called it an Intervention, I got told No.

Anyway - welcome to 2010, hope you've got your knickers ready:

Thanks Giving 2009

Thanksgiving (at this time of year) is an American holiday, but the concept of coming home for a time, observed by all members of a country regardless of race, colour, creed or football code is a great one.  Giving thanks for you have, have had, and the opportunities you hope to have yet to come home - should be cherished.

And I understand that no holiday can be celebrated with decorating the entire house... 
There fore there are patterns for Crochet Turkey Afghans, Crocheted Turkey TP covers, Crocheted Turkey door hangers and Crocheted Turkey Turkeys.  What caught my eye was the range of interpretation of what a Turkey actually looks like and obviously what yarn was available at hookin' time.

But for sheer  - Are you sure?-ness regarding the identity (genus, species, chordae) of the creature you are trying to render in DCs and acrylic - I give you :

 

Because nothing about this screams Turkey.

 

Noooooo - it looks more like:

 

 

Turkey ?

                        or

                                    Womble?

 

 

 

 

Happy Thanksgiving to you,

Be thankful for every thing you have, and everything you can do for someone else.

At least it's not in Granny Squares.. (and vote pls!)

Personally, I think it's a conspiracy.

First of all - have to remind you that whilst the Northern hemisphere is rejoicing in Summer, those of us on the Flip side of the Planet are feeling the chills.

Heralded (or maybe I should say Telegraphed) this morning was the Snuggie, or the Slanket, or the Blankoat.

Sales does be through the roof of the blanket with sleeves.

What is making this news cringeworthy is these are items that are designed for on-couch or at most in-house use, like our old comfy friend, the Ugg boot.

And the Ugg boot, as we all know, has a painful tendency to make appearances elsewhere.

 

Ok - the Absolutely Unbreakable Rule is

they should not be worn PAST your MAILBOX. 

 

And fricking never with a gap between the closest garment's hem and the top of the boot.

Unless it's a negative gap - otherwise known as

AN OVERLAP.

Anyhoo...

The modern day Snuggie, for those people cannot master advanced technology such as a Blanket - I mean seriously, is it *that* hard to maintain control of a piece of cloth while reaching for the remote???

And besides - we've been here before : Couch Dresses!

 

To make matters worse....   we have not one, but two Yarnporiums who have produced patterns (and one has been around for awhile - has anyone bothered to make one?) for Wrapghans.

 

These are patterns that are designed purely to drive up the Global demand for Yarn - because you'll need enough sheep to send someone to Dreamyland to make it!

 

 

What not to crochet - something that pins you to the couch out of the sheer weight of the yarn that the Manufacturer is trying to flog.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh and BTW :

 

Vote or I'll set the Sheep on you!!

(Hey - you guys said to remind you :) )

And doesn't he just look poised to fall on your noggin?

But the reason why I've chosen him to threaten you with is:

If I didn't tell you he was a sheep... would you pick him AS a sheep

or as an Apocalyptic Poodle?

 

Blogluxe Awards.

An unashamed Plea for your Vote...

My fellow Coffee-Over-TheScreen Snorterers, I would like to take this opportunity to firstly thank whoever it was who nominated us for the   Blogluxe Awards.

That is a Great, Great thing that you have done.

May you always be able to find your 4mm crochet hooks!

Now... I call upon you all, Crocheters, Sniggerers, and those who come upon this blog in the search of Nipples,   Please - go vote for WNTC!! 

Yes,  We CAN make a difference!!      Yes, We CAN be the change we wish to see in the world! Yes, We CAN win The Funniest Blog Award!

What Not To Crochet has been around since 2006 - We are one of the Original Snark blogs.  Let Us stand up and proudly denounce the Use of Fun Fur and the Eye-Searing Granny Square to the World!

And you know what's seriously great about this ballot??       you don't get to vote once, and hope that everyone else sees the blinding obvious truth :  That the world needs strong leadership, whether in Pursuing World Peace, combatting the GFC  or gaily distributing "stimulus cheques", YOU CAN GO BACK AND VOTE EVERY DAY!

So Vote for WNTC today! and Tomorrow! and Every Day !!

Or..

Vote, otherwise the Bear gets it!

http://www.socialluxelounge.com/blogluxe  - and then scroll through - they randomise the positions...

Please.. seriously folks... vote :)

Ok - Crochet it... If you can!

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale... a tale of a fateful trip...

 That started from a frosty farm and went significantly WRONG when I misread the itinerary that my EA printed out for me, and  I’m now marooned in our national airline’s Business lounge, soaking up a VLLB* and the Flying Marsupial’s free internet.

Noting that the flow on effect of my *ahem* misreading is ... get this: 5 hours.

 (And it gets noticeably worse)

My two yarn-based Travelling Projects? ...........................................................  are in Checked Baggage**.

Ye-aaaaah.

I'm bored out of my skull at the 2 hour mark.

So I'm industriously warping the minds of my fellow Club squatters going through my collection of photos of items that defile the sacred name of  Crochet, making muttering noises to myself:   No, no, HAHAH - no, can't use that, just done a Bikini, no, no, used already,  no, <WARNING!! OUT OF VLLB ERROR> no, no, no - Ooooh.

And then I found the topic for today.

Russian Crochet. (If you're a Lolcat fan - there's a whole "In Soviet Russia" line to go down. See you when you get back)

 

Now - first of all - there is a LOT about the array 0f Russian Crochet magazines to adore.

Ok... yes, they're in Russian and no, I don't know why she's standing like that...

 



Yes, the majority of it is  in Thread.

 

 

Which, for some people, is like admitting that you commit specific acts with chickens.

However  dot dot dot

 



 

 

 

Some of the creations are just divine and the biggest safety tip is not to allow your mother to see them lest she get ideas for a nifty throwover.

 

 

 

On the other hand....

When you look a bit closer... or you swap a plate of home made meringues for a translation of said Russian text by a Ukrainian workmate's Grandmother....

You'll notice that unlined Irish lace tops are, whilst delicate and gorgeous, veritable gateways for nipples to poke through.

(you will see if you click on the link... for the sake of  Innocents everywhere, I've made it a thumbnail - you can click at your own risk of having to explain to whomever)

 

 

 

 

Edited to add: for some reason the thumbnail thing didn't work. i'm SORRY! Okay!!!

And my god - a lot of you tried clicking it....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* Vodka, Lemon, Lime and Bitters.

** Dont start about Airline regs please. In the Sunburnt country, land of Sweeping plains - we are not allowed to travel with pointy things in  carry-on. I have travelled with guns, have travelled with diplomatic pouches, and am NOT allowed to travel with anything so benign as a 4mm Bamboo hook in my backpack. Go figure.

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Long Live the Granny Square!!

For all that we rant about the Granny Square, and cringe at the thought of the crocheted or knitted monstrosity that a well-meaning relative may bestow,

Today, we should celebrate Maria d'Antuono's survival of the Italian Earthquakes. This 98 year old lady spent 30 hours buried beneath rubble.

And what did she do to pass the time?



No - not that piece.. but yes, she crocheted. She didn't KNIT. She crocheted.

Take that! you wielders of pointy sticks!!!!

Muwwahahahahaha!!

 

Join us tomorrow when we look at things you can crochet with recycled Monsters, Inc parts.  Obviously they had to make room for the latest Movie plushies somehow.

For Your Consideration

The movie was originally called "Home for Purim" but the movie moguls changed it to "Home for Thanksgiving" to have greater appeal...

It's a snoot!

Anyway - that's my precursor as someone who has celebrated Thanksgiving three times (twice in the States, once in Little America in the Sandpit) and thinks... well.. it's kinda neat but ..

 

Jeepers...

Is there any holiday you people WON'T Crochet for???

Anyway... in bringing you today's What Not To Crochet, I learnt that you should never trust a certain search engine (and actually , no, not Google) with the term "Turkey" when conjoined (HAH!) with Crochet.

This is the best...

Like the bolero!

 

Again - loving the bolero - why would you do a skirt???

But this isn't why you're here, really though.. is it?

 :)

 

It's ok...

 

I know.. you need a giggle!

 

And here's something for you..

 

I still can't understand what was so sexy about last year's Turkey Hat.

No.

No way, No day.

And on this blog, we have railed repeatedly against Granny Squares.

I do not understand why people keep crocheting hats for their pets.

(you are so going to die...)

So.. WHAT Sugar-crazed over-fed haze would you have to be in,

 

to Crochet a Granny Square  Hat ...

 

For a Turkey?

 

 

 

Lay Off the Candied yams, folks!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Lionbrand Gets Political

The reason this is in as a "What Not to Crochet" is because well...

It's just too funny not to draw your attention to it.

Ladies & Gentlemen,

 I give you:

 

 the Candidates for the

 

 **2008 US Presidential Elections !!!**

 

(Cue inspirational music!)

 

 There are so many thngs to say...

How about :

"Ask not  what crochet can do for you, But what you can do for Crochet?"

 

And before you ask.. No, they haven't done the Vice-President Nominees.

Which is sort of a pity actually, because, despite the fact it would be a God-awful WASTE of Yarn, to do a Crocheted Sarah Palin Finger Puppet

 it's *such* a missed Bunny Foo-Foo opportunity!

Resistance is Futile...

I saw this gem while searching for a toy pattern on Lion Brand's website.

i gasped as I saw this:

ACK!!!

OMG.  it's a hideous crochet hat!  Doesn't it look crazy???  my first thought was....The Borg Queen

The Borg Queen

I guess the simliarities really lie in the facial expression.  But can't you see some nut crocheting this hat so the Borg Queen can keep her slimy bald head warm? hahahaha

If you really want that hat pattern...here it is.

Forgive us for someone here has sinned...

why? why?



I found this gem on etsy FOR SALE!  "Retro 80s swimsuit with a fashionable rose motif..."

Fashionable???

you know what really kills me about this?  the model's pose.

"I can't talk to you right now...i look too good."

and not that my body is perfect (far from) but poor thing, she's bent so strangely you can see her love handles bunching up.

sigh.

How to punish a Cheating Man...

I don't think I can find the words to describe this...

I'll just show you instead: